This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
