a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
