I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
