Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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