The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
