im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
