apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
