My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
