he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
