I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
