my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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