neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
