How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
