Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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