Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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