ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
