I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
