I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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