Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
