TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I am mentally ready for anal.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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