They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
