i wish my penis had a tongue
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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