I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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