I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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