I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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