So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
