Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
