I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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