When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's shark week go big or go home
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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