Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
