my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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