i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
