so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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