I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
