Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
