dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
