aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
