When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I touched a dick in church today
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
