I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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