I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You're like the curious george of whores
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
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