as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
