There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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