So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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