found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I deserve this hangover.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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