I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize