Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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