morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
