How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
