remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
