turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
