no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
if only i could text you this smell
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You pole danced in your parka.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
