my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
