the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
