Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You ruined the universe
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
