I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
