Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
