Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
