if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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