Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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