dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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