I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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