I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How naked do you want me to be?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
