i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
