I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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