im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
