did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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